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I will be flying out to Bali next Sunday for a spiritual sojourn for several months. This will be my last regular blog, since I’m not going with a computer and I have no idea about internet access where I am going. Whenever I can, I will post.

This is a time for me to get in touch again with who I am and what I’ll be doing for this next stage in my life.  I’m excited and grateful for the opportunity to do this, and I’m also scared!

Do you know just how scary it is for a trauma survivor to walk into the unknown!?!

I’ve never been to Bali before. I know only one person there, and I just met her on Thanksgiving day. A mutual friend connected us. So, I’ve been bombarding her with questions. I have no plan about what I’m going to do there. The only thing I know is that, through Rita Gelman Golden who wrote Tales of a Female Nomad, I found a friend of hers there who is also a tour guide. He will be picking me up at the airport and has found me a place for the first few nights until I decide what I want to do.  I only found out about this several days ago.

So, a week and half before I leave, I had no idea where I would be staying once I arrived. Needless to say, I am much relieved.

Also, my adult children and I have lived and working together since 1998. This will be the first time we will be apart for several months, and I won’t be home for Christmas. In addition, this is happening in conjunction with my son’s girlfriend moving in. This is the next stage in their relationship, and my son has never crossed this threshold before. So, I’ve been packing up my room so that she will have a place that she can call her own.

Whether I will actually move back in, or they move out – none of us have a clue. We’ll deal with it when I return – whenever that might be. Regardless, I sense that all our lives will be irrevocably changed with this journey. Read the rest of this entry »

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I had no idea what this movie was about when I decided to go with my son to see it. I hadn’t read any of the reviews. I figured it was another one of those political thrillers.

I was so wrong!

Instead, it turned out to be a film based on true to life events of a once covert CIA operative, Valerie Plame, and her diplomat husband, Joe Wilson (pictured above).  Of course, anything Senn Penn is in, I will go to see.  And, I should have remembered that anything he puts his name to is not “fluff”.

And, it wasn’t.

Fair game – does that mean anyone and anything is up for grabs? The movie certainly portrays that. After 18 years of loyal excellent service for her country, Valerie Plame name is leaked to the press by top officials in Vice-President Cheney’s staff as a “traitor” to her country. All because her husband, Joe Wilson, wrote an article about NOT finding weapons of mass destruction in Iraq when he was sent overseas to analyze the situation.

By the way, the movie mentioned that it was illegal to name any operatives for purposes of national security.

Of course, once Valerie’s name is leaked, her career is destroyed and her marriage nearly so – until she joined her husband in speaking out the truth!

This courageous man spoke up after President Bush announced  these weapons as a reason to go to war with Iraq.

After watching “Inside Job”, “Waiting for Superman”, and now this, I am even more appalled how power corrupts and, how all these “games” have led us to the financial crisis that we are in today.  Read the rest of this entry »

Fear

I woke up feeling afraid today. No, I didn’t have a dream or even a nightmare. Upon opening my eyes, my heart was pounding and my gut felt so tight, I had trouble breathing.  I have no idea what brought on the fear; it made no sense. Yet, there it was.

I learned in psychotherapy training that fear  is one of the 4 major emotions – mad, sad, glad and scare. All others, i.e., frustration, resentment, etc.  are combinations of those four. And, just so you know, emotions don’t make logical sense – those feelings simply are what they are.

Yet, as human beings, we seem to want to make sense of everything.

As a survivor of abuse, I have been afraid just about all of my life.  Only I didn’t know what caused it. Told over and over that I was too sensitive, I didn’t have anything to be scared of, that it was all in my imagination, I thought there was something wrong with me.

It wasn’t until I became a psychotherapist and worked with other survivors that I realized fear was their prominent emotion as well.  It makes sense to me now, especially with recent clinical research that has shown what trauma does to the brain. Read the rest of this entry »

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