My apologies for not keeping in weekly contact with you over the past few weeks and not letting you know about the remote group healing. We’ve been dealing with some unforeseen issues which seem to be resolving themselves. I will notify you of the next remote healing session.
Back to the above book. As I mentioned in my previous posting, I would write on subjects that held meaning for me. The topic today is social isolation for trauma survivors.
This isolation, usually coming in the later stages of a survivor’s response to severe trauma, occurs when “old defensive behaviors prove useless or counterproductive in response to new threats…” (p.69)
What happens then is that the survivor doesn’t understand why what’s worked in the past is failing now, and the blame gets placed on external factors. This blame, when extended to those who are part of the survivor’s support group, further isolates him/her from those who are so crucial to the healing and recovery process.
Scaer further explains that the propensity towards isolation is a response towards exposure to “ambient environmental stimuli that are associated with social intercourse”. (p.69) Stimuli that would be otherwise exciting and pleasurable, i.e., laughter, music conversation, is often perceived by the trauma survivor as irritating.
As a survivor myself, I never understood why I hate crowds and loud noises. I could never go to something like Times Square for New Year’s Eve without feeling claustrophobic. Even a radio station that is turned on too loud physically hurts my ears. And, my own clients have told me that they feel overwhelmed, hemmed in, and that the noise level in crowds sounds violent.
Dr. Scaer comments, “These feelings are associated with more specific symptoms of constriction, low-grade fear, and profound physical exhaustion. The symptoms suggest that such people enter into a state of freeze/dissociation with exposure to very nonspecific but nevertheless threatening stimuli”. (p.69)
As a survivor as well as a practitioner, I reiterate that having a support system is crucial to healing. While I would prefer to be a hermit, I know that social interaction is critical to my mental and even physical well-being. The reason for this is because going through the trauma itself is isolating and forces us to turn inward, to have a deep distrust of others and external circumstances.
While, in the short-term, counting on ourselves may have helped us in the beginning. Over a long period of time, it perpetuates for the survivor a sense that no one can help us. It keeps us in a state of trauma.
Believe me, I had to learn to be a social being all over again. Even today, while others have told me that I seem outgoing and friendly, it takes a lot of conscious effort on my part to place myself in a social situation. It takes even more effort for me to trust another with my experiences.
Opening to a support group, even simple social interactions, have been the most difficult for me to do. Having done so, I know it’s helped me tremendously in my healing process.
And, because I’ve done so, I know other survivors can too.
Participate in our distance healing for trauma survivors. 
7 comments
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October 30, 2010 at 8:19 pm
Carolyn Millar
I am a survivor of severe childhood abuse, trauma, neglect, torture, deprivation, isolation, starvation and manipulation. The extent of physical, mental and emotional abuse was devastating. I had dissociated for over 40 years until my Father was visiting with my Mother in my home a few years back and my Father became irrate and was berrating me in front of my little girl, she was about 5 at the time. I had not experienced any physical abuse from my Father since I was a teenager and his rage towards me in front of my daughter forced my to back up into her room and I became the girl living at home again under the tyranny of my Father.
I was terrified and in shock and just backed up and didn’t say a word. I reacted the way I know I did as a child to my Father. I felt nothing the rest of the day I just felt numb. My parents were staying in my home at the time. I can’t even remember the rest of the day and all I remember of the episode was seeing my Father’s knees. I can’t remember his face or anything other than I know I went into the bedroom of my daughter and he followed me in and I can only remember seeing up to his knees. I didn’t look at his face.
When he was yelling at me my Mother did her usual and left the room and went downstairs. When I say her usual I mean when I lived at home with them she would leave me at his mercy. She was terrified of him too I think but I am not sure.
The next day I flipped out on my Father, I yelled back at him for the first time in my life. I told him I wasn’t scared of him anymore and I said things that I can’t even remember. I unleashed on him for the years of abuse I had suffered, my 6 siblings had suffered and my Mother as well. It felt good for the moment but I had no idea of what was to come next.
After that day a short time later I starting having flashbacks about my childhood and all the things that happened to us as children. This was something I never wanted to relive, I had thoughts of suicide and if it wasn’t for my daughter I probably would have acted on the thoughts.
It was horrible the flashbacks were so vivid and real. I experienced and relived everything I went through as a child all over again. I then diagnosed myself with PTSD because I started reading about trauma and flashbacks. Through my reading and research I realized that I was no longer living in a dissociated state because I was ready to deal with the abuse and take it on and face everything I had lived.
Now I am trying to rebuild my life. I have been in therapy for over 2 years at $150.00 an hour. It has cost me a fortune and I haven’t healed yet. I believe that the book mentioned above has some really good points. When you have experienced trauma your perception of reality is skewed. You perceive normal interactions in life as threats to your mental, physical and emotional wellbeing. I often feel isolated and I avoid socializing as well. I want to be more outgoing but I feel frozen and don’t interact like I wish I could.
I don’t feel I connect with my partner the way I want to because I feel often completely misunderstood. I feel like an alien, that I don’t fit in. My brain just doesn’t function like other people’s brains. I work as a nurse and sometimes feel that is more normal dealing with the trauma of other people’s lives. It makes sense to me I am used to dealing with a lot of stress and abuse. I can help people a lot in their lives, I wish I could help myself.
Simple slights from my partner become huge threats to my mental and emotional wellbeing. I do believe your brain developes differently when you are an infant and child, adolescent and adult that has been abused. For one thing you don’t know how to protect yourself because you haven’t learned the normal way of understanding danger so you are at risk of being abused and taken advantage of.
I often overreact to situations and I try to understand why because the pain I feel is very real. But when I rationalize it really doesn’t make sense why I reacted the way I did but the pain I felt was so real. Like something terrible had happened to me. It is a horrible feeling because I never feel understood.
I can’t have a normal sex life because my emotions are all over the place. Having sex feels bad because I was sexually abused as well. Having adult relationships is very difficult for me. I relate better to children than to adults. My partner really loves me and tries to understand. I am moody now and easily upset since the PTSD. Things I have read tell me this is normal for PTSD sufferers. I can’t stand it because I am a very sensitive person and it is important that I treat my partner well. I feel I am acting abusively to him verbally and emotionally when I get upset. I am confused and have a really hard time at times.
Then there are periods where I am calm and I think everything will be okay. I feel good about myself and interact well with my family. I still don’t socialize as much as my partner thinks I should. He does try to encourage me to be more outgoing but I don’t think I ever will be. I think once you are abused that badly that yes it does effect the developement of your brain and you are different from other people. I would like to meet people who would understand me and I could relate to. But, I am also not the type to sit around and listen to everyone complaining either. I act and make changes and try to move forward and keep going. That’s it, just keep going. Maybe one day I will figure myself out and understand what I went through.
I know it wasn’t my fault, I get that, but it just really sucks that it was my childhood and I have no idea what normal would have felt like. I give normal to my children and treat them wonderfully. They are smart, successful and doing really well. But then again so am I and look where I came from.
I put myself through nusing school, started my own nursing agency and no one helped me, but me. I raised my son’s on my own and now I am raising my little girl with my partner and helping raise his 2 sons as well. He is a wonderful man and I can be very challenging at times, I know it. He says its not that bad but I don’t like the way I get at times.
It is like my mind naturally goes to suffering when something happens that I don’t like, or makes me uncomfortable, it is really overkill. Much like the Terminator movie when John’s mother sees the Terminator in the second movie. She freaks out and is terrified and is crawling on the floor to get away from the Terminator because she knows he can kill her and John. But he is good in the second movie and it took her a long time to wrap her head around that he was good and trust him.
Same thing happens to me with my husband. I expect that he is going to hurt me and prepare for the worst or react like something horrible had happened and it wasn’t that bad. It’s my brain, it is wired to react to things or twists things because those are the only pathways of experience I have.
The challenge is to create new pathways with positive constructive reactions to normal situations. When you are hard wired to react to violence and abuse your reaction becomes very distorted. As a child you would numb out and dissociate and withdraw. As an adult you want to defend yourself and in so doing you will overreact, freak out and try to protect yourself.
I still have to figure this out myself but I am trying. I hope this helps a fellow trauma survivor. I hope what I have said helps you feel you are not alone. There are others like you and me out there you probably would never know it looking at me. Just like I would never know what you had been through either.
Carolyn M.
November 11, 2010 at 6:15 pm
Perigee-syzygy
I enjoy your blog and I really, really appreciate this particular post. I think I will buy the book you are reviewing.
Thank you.
December 12, 2010 at 6:48 am
Lynn Masters
Hello Caroline , this is so me , feel like im living in a bubble , so much trauma , so yes , absolutely understand exactly what you said , Lynn Masters .
November 3, 2011 at 8:00 pm
midwestlady
Thank you. You helped me. I am also a successful healthy person for the most part as an adult. But I was traumatized by a parent over a long period of time when I was young, and there are a few things that will still upset me on very, very rare occasions. It’s sort of inexplicable to other people, and they don’t expect it because they can know me for years, and they might never see it, or see it only once. Your explanation was perfect and it helped me to hear someone else say it. Thanks.
November 4, 2011 at 2:28 am
theforgottenpeace
Thanx so much for letting me know that the article helped. It is exactly what I want to do with these blogs. I know exactly what you mean about it being inexplicable to others – it’s not that they’re being necessarily unkind, it’s that they really don’t understand, nor do some of them really want to. It’s even hard for us, who’ve been through it, to understand it ourselves. Pls share this blog with others you think will benefit from it.
January 24, 2012 at 11:31 pm
Trauma, Disability, and Social Isolation « Trauma, Violence, and Human Rights
[...] experiences in general also tend to result in social isolation. On her blog, “The Forgotten Peace,” a woman named Gayook speaks about her own experiences. After a traumatic event, she explains a [...]
January 25, 2012 at 11:32 am
theforgottenpeace
Thank you for posting what I had written about trauma and social isolation. I definitely want to reach as many people as possible, to let them know they are not alone, and that we can overcome this. It does, however, take courage to face our own fears. My experience is that, once those fears are faced, we are free!